Am I a switch?

Four years ago when I first met Master he said that I was a switch. At that time I laughed and thought it was part of his efforts to boost my self-confidence.

I had been in a very restrictive relationship for over 20 years. My then Master took control of all aspects of my life. Though many of those new to the lifestyle or those who live in the fairytale world of this lifestyle may think that this would be the ultimate ambition of a submissive, after living through it I would warn them that it is, in my opinion, dangerous.

At the time that Master told me I was a switch I was still very confused, suffering from the consequences of my previous relationship. My self confidence was extremely low. I was still looking to Him to make all the decisions in my life from what I should wear and also what and when I should eat, as well as the big decisions in my life. I could not see that I had any dominant side to my personality or interest in giving that wonderful pleasure to another.

Over the first year or so that I lived with Master I changed immensely. My confidence in myself grew. I started to make the everyday decisions in my life that most take for granted. There was no one point when I suddenly stopped asking "what should I wear today", only to be told "whatever I wanted to wear" or "whatever you feel comfortable in".

There was no one point when this changed to asking "is this ok" after dressing without consultation, checking that what I had chose to wear was acceptable.

It was a slow gradual process whereby Master gave me the space and encouragement to make these decisions, but at the same time still keeping me within what was acceptable limits to my day to day life. He never pushed me too far, knowing that to force me to make these decisions alone and too soon would only make me close in on myself and not grow.

What to wear is just a small example of all the aspects of life that Master needed to work on. It must have been a total drain on him at this time, constantly being asked what now are silly irrelevant questions in my day-to-day life. It would have been much easier for him to simply say yes, have breakfast, eat two pieces of butted toast and a cup of tea, rather than asking if I was hungry and then patiently putting up with my non committal answers, like "im not sure". Then calmly asking what I felt like eating. He would notice when I needed to be allowed not to make the decisions and instead of allowing me to ask he would pre-empt what I would need and would guide me through the day.

Slowly I started making the everyday decisions without realizing I was. I would no longer go to the supermarket with Master and only put into the trolley either what was on the list or what Master told me to. I started to see something on offer or something that I thought Master would enjoy and would ask about buying them, not in a "please Master may I have this" but in a "do you fancy this".

It all seems ridiculous now that I was scared to buy a bar of chocolate without it being on the shopping list, not because of money being short or because I thought Master would not want me to have the chocolate, but because I could not make the decision as to whether I wanted it or not.

As I grew in self-confidence in my day to day life, as I started being able to make these decisions without the constant input from Master, I started doubting my submission.

At no point did I stop loving Master with all my heart, neither did I stop enjoying the SM side of our relationship. It was that I could not see how I could still be a submissive. I had changed so much all for the better. I was now making decisions not only for myself, but I had taken over the day to day running of the house.

I was the one making the decisions on what we would eat as it made sense because I was the cook in the relationship. I was not only writing the shopping list but going shopping without one and buying on impulse. I was and still do suffer from agoraphobia and still don’t go out alone now, but I was getting to the point where I was starting to go into restaurants and other places (with Master) that previously I was unable to do.

It was about a year into our relationship when we went through a difficult time. I doubted my ability to please Master. I was confused because I saw my submitting to the control in my previous relationship as how a submissive should be. I found it difficult to see the pleasure that Master got from the changes in me. During this time Master and I argued.

This in itself was a strange thing as when I first met Master I would never have voiced any disagreement. I would have accepted all he said as being correct. So we argued long and hard.

Those who know Master will find this hard to understand as he is the most placid, understanding and agreeable person. He rarely loses his temper. He has the patience of a Saint. But I stretched even his patience. In my confusion I would verbally lash out at him, not listening to his reasoning and calm understanding. Instead I would go off on one. Most of the time it would be on the "im useless", "im not good enough for you" or other such self destructive comments. These would hurt him deeply.

It took many weeks of confusion and heartache before Master was able to get me to admit what was really going on in my mind. What was behind the self-doubting, what was behind the self-destructive attitude I was showing. Only then was he able to lead me out of the confusion and hurt.

He allowed me to talk and put into words what I had been trying to hide from myself. He reassured me that even if I wanted to walk away from the lifestyle completely that he would still love me and want to be with me. It only took a few days of his reassurance and calm understanding for me to feel safe within my relationship with him. Once I was reassured of his love for me no matter what my status or sexual flavor, only then was I was able to start to get things sorted in my own head.

For several weeks after, I was quiet and withdrawn deep in thought. Day to day life continued but Master understands me so well that he allowed me to withdraw. He was happy that we still loved each other and was confident that we would still be together, but in allowing me to take time to contemplate how I wanted to move forward, was in many ways the completion of all the hard work he had done with me previously.

It was the first major decision I was making within our relationship. It was I who was looking inwardly needing to understand who I was. Master gave me cuddles and vast amounts of reassurance that he loved me, but never pushed me to talk about my feelings or thoughts. I was allowed time and space.

Eventually it all fell in place. I could make decisions, I could give my point of view in all things, I could argue and disagree with Master, but none of this made me any less a submissive. I had become a more complete person; I was more interesting to be with.

I was less of a burden to Master and subsequently more of a pleasure. I started to see that even though I was making decisions and allowing my thoughts to be aired, I still respected him completely and at the end of the day it was Master who made the final decisions.

As I realised how much easier life must be for Master, I started to realise that I was now becoming the person that HE wanted me to be. And I liked the new me. I liked having the confidence to walk into a restaurant on my Masters arm and look at the menu and decided what I wanted to eat and not either have the same as he did or constantly ask what I should have.

I liked being inventive with the meals I cooked for Him. It was a revelation. Master had taken months and months of slow and gentle understanding to bring me to where I was.

Could I still be a submissive? Yes it was simple, I was a real person, rounded and with a brain of my own. I was being given the freedom to submit, not being stifled. Not submitting because I did not understand or know anything else. The submission I was now able to give to Master was far greater than any I had given before because it was an intelligent, judged submission.

Being told what to do day in day out is not submitting it is being controlled. Living with someone who constantly needs to be told what to do and when to do it is draining on both people, turning one into a zombie and the other into a control freak. That is not D/s.

Once I was comfortable with my new found confidence and understanding of the dynamics of choosing to submit rather than being in a relationship where I was suppressed and stifled, I flourished under Masters guidance. However, I would still laugh when he would jokingly call me his little switch.

I have always been interested in the tools of the lifestyle. Loving to handle the canes, flogger and all the other items we have collected over the years. Master would always allow me to play with any new items so I was familiar with it before it was introduced into our scenes. This would often include me carefully using them on Master.

This was done in a light hearted way and always under his supervision. This was our way of getting to understand the new items we had. We would discuss the way it felt and discuss it with each other trying it out. It was often during these times when I would become very serious and passionate about a new item that Master would call me a switch. This would often lead to me trying (unsuccessfully) to use the item on Master harder than he was happy with. It always ended in laughter.

I became more and more interested in using canes and floggers, but never wanted to, or thought I was capable of, dominating another person. I have always joked with Master that I am too irresponsible to take on a submissive, but I think this was one of my defense mechanisms.

I am somewhat of a perfectionist. If I do anything I have to do it to the best of my abilities. I can not accept anything but 100% from myself. If I feel I will not succeed at anything, rather than trying I will shy away from it. This is true in all areas of my life.

During the summer between my second and third year of my degree I did everything I could to find a reason not to go back and finish the degree, I was so scared of failure. Thankfully Master never allowed me to drop out. As normal he knew what was best for me. Even if I had failed I would at least have seen it to the end rather than running away.

So when Master started talking more serious about me Topping others, I ran away from it, scared of failure. There was also the feeling of "who would want to play with me?"

I have been in the lifestyle for many years but have only ever submitted to two people, both being in long term relationships. I have never played with others. I have on the odd occasion had another person other than Master try out an item on me, but this is not the same as playing with another person. I had also been in the situation where I have been with a group of friends and have tried out items on others and they have tried them out on me. It was during these experimenting times that some of my friends started telling me that I was good at flogging and caning.

As normal I took this as them being nice. Sorry mates but that’s what I’m like. It was when I was at a play party and a lovely male sub friend of mine was being caned in a light hearted way by another one of my friends that I joined in. It was very light hearted and not being taken serious by all three of us, until a Dom watching decided the male sub should have his hands tied.

It was the tying of his hands that made it serious. He was not able to walk away. In allowing his hands to be tied he had given the signal that he was happy for us to continue with the play.

Both my friend and I continued gently caning him. We were not going too hard, not only because both of us were aware that our Masters were watching but in respect for the sub we were caning.

As the play progressed the other female submissive bowed out of the play. She felt the male sub needed harder play than she was happy to give. I continued alone. Looking back I did not play hard but I did make his bottom nice and warm and even enjoyed a bit of the verbal during the play. Once the play was over, I felt my hands shaking, my legs turned to jelly as I realised what I had just done. I did manage to keep it together enough to check up on the wonderful male submissive.

Even after that experience I kept saying it was a one off. It had just happened. Many people told me I had done well and I had even been approached by other male submissives asking me to play with them that night. All signs that I had done well, but still I felt I was a joke in trying to cane or flog others. Master told me how well I looked and how proud he was of me. But I still felt I was not good enough and also feared failing or rejection.

Some months later at a private house party with a group of very good friends Toy boxes were brought out, the typical get together of BDSM'ers "have you seen this" or "try this out". As the Doms compared notes the submissives started playing amongst themselves.

Nothing serious, just giving each other a light or not so light slap with a cane or tawse. It was all giggles and ouches. I don’t know how it happened but I found that as we started taking the trying out of items more seriously, I found myself giving short light floggings or caning to the others. It was lighthearted but I felt something in me, I felt that I was conducting what was happening rather than taking part in it. It was hard to explain, I was detached from the others yet I was also giving to them.

Later that evening one of the submissives asked if Master would cane her. Master said "No, but we will" The submissive was more than happy to be caned by both Master and I. Under Master’s watchful eye and taking his lead, I joined in and we jointly caned her.

I felt very nervous at first but within a minute or two, I felt relaxed and really enjoyed giving pleasure to a friend. It was done very much under Masters watchful eye. When we were asked to cane a second submissive straight away I was delighted and enjoyed the experience, but I did get a little frustrated as I was following Masters lead. I wanted to take charge, I wanted to conduct the play not to play second fiddle.

The spark had been lit in me. I did not want to jump into playing with others, I don’t work that way. I need to understand me. I need to understand what is happening in my head and how it will affect Master and my relationship. After all, the most important thing in my life is Master and I do not want to do anything to jeopardize that.

Master and I talk all the time. We discuss all things we do and discuss scenarios that may happen and how we would feel about them. This means that if we are at a party and we wish to do something we normally would know what our partner would think of it. This was the case when I did my first caning on the male submissive. Master and I had already discussed it and I was confidant that Master would approve.

I have now caned and flogged several other people, all friends. Some I have done alone, others with another person alongside of me. Each time I have done it I have enjoyed it tremendously. What I have found interesting is the mind set I get when I cane/flog others. Depending on who they are and the response I get back from them depends on the mind set I get.

I have had the honor of flogging/caning a Male Master that I respect greatly. At no point during that scene did I feel I was dominating him, I felt it was a mutually enjoyable experience. For him it was a physical experience, not one of submission. I felt I was in control of the play. He was never tied and could have walked away at anytime. I did push him, but I knew that his personality was one that would appreciate the push.

When I flogged another friend, a female, it was done lightheartedly. Again I did not feel I was dominating her, just giving her the pleasure from the flogger. It all ended in fits of giggles, This was fun, friends sharing experiences.

Most of the other experiences I have felt I was dominating the other person. Not in the "On your knees bitch" way but in the mutual sharing of a power exchange. I felt I was totally in charge. I felt at one with the person but at the same time detached from them. Gosh its a lot harder to describe the feelings from this side of the cane than from the other.

I don’t think "ouch, that must hurt". I see the body respond and get a warm glow from it. At first I used to think I would like this or that and work that way, but now I am starting to see their reactions and work from them. When I finish I feel drained, yet at the same time I could climb a mountain I am so elated. I feel empowered by what they give to me. In their submitting to me even if for only a short time, I feel a tremendous bond with them. In my giving and them receiving, we become one for the time of the scene. I feel very protective towards them both during and after the play.

I am not naturally a huggy person. I don’t let others into my space easily. This is something I need to work at as I feel that it is important that if a submissive wants too cuddle after a scene then it is important that they are given this type of support. I also know that I would enjoy it once I get over my keeping people at arms length attitude.

Master is delighted with my growth in confidence. He is happy for me to pursue this side of my personality. We have discussed this and if at anytime I wished to take on a submissive of my own He would be supportive of this. At this moment in time I cannot see that this will happen. I feel I would like to develop my play abilities and experiences. At present I have only played with friends. It will be interesting to see if I would have the confidence to play with someone I did not know.

I am Masters submissive. I always feel this way with him. His protective and loving personality engulfs me whenever I am with him. Though I joke with him about dominating him, I know that at no time would I be able to. Not because he is more Dom than the next one but because of our history. Master has brought me out into the world.

His is still my crutch and the boot up my backside that keeps me going. Even if I wanted or felt I would like to dominate Master, he does not have any feelings or inclination to submit to anyone.

I think I would find it hard to switch with one person. I think I need the separation, but saying that I am not confidant enough in myself to submit to any play with another Dom/Domme. My keeping others at arms length stops this happening. I find it easier to take the lead than to follow others. I think this could be part of my fear of rejection or failure. Though Master has worked on it, I still have a terrible down on myself, I still have the "why would anyone want to play with me" attitude. I still see everyone else as better looking, better personality and better abilities than me. I still see myself as ugly, fat, boring and stupid. I know this is not all true but these are the feelings I have about myself, it is not easy to change feelings that have been long ingrained.

So am I a switch? Well maybe. I have enjoyed the experiences with my friends over the past few years. I am now at the point where I feel I would like to explore this side of me even if I decide that some way down the line that it is not for me. At least I will know and not always wonder. This may be a step forward in my development. I am now willing to take a look at myself and not hide within my comfort zone.

The one thing about writing about this lifestyle is using words that I feel comfortable with. I don’t like the terms Top and bottom I feel it is derogatory to the bottoms, just my feelings on it. Again I don’t like the terms toys or play, this is all far to serious for those words. I tend to go with Master and submissive because they are the words that Master and I have adopted to describe our relationship.