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	She put the Teddy Bear into the basket on the front of her old push bike and started peddling the eight miles home. Looking down at the bear she starts to talk to him. “Oh heck I think I like him. But he’s a paki, a wog or whatever you call them. Yes I know Teddy that’s not the right thing to call them. No I’m not a racist. It’s just the way I was brought up. I never knew anyone who was not white or Welsh come to think of it. There where a few scousers in our school but I never bothered with them. Dad called them them wogs and well it’s just stuck. Now he has gone and given me you. You a teddy bear. What does that mean. Yes I know its my birthday. But he is not my boyfriend, he is just the bloke who works in the paki shop on the way to Uni. I think he may be Indian not Pakistani but I’m not sure. Oh heck Teddy do you think I am falling for him? I cant you see Teddy, I have this plan. I am going to fall in love with someone who is rich. No not rich, well they could be rich but they at least have to have enough money to keep me in a nice house with nice food and clothes and buy me birthday cards and presents and they have to love me and always look after me. You see Teddy it all started when I was seventeen. Just seventeen mind. I went out to celebrate my A level results. I got six A* grades. Yes I was seventeen. You see I was one of those kids put ahead a year. I was really two years ahead. Anyway Teddy. I did not really have any friends. There where lots who knew me but well you see when you are thirteen and you are in a class of fifteen year old and you are cleverer than any of them you don’t end up as Miss Popular. No Teddy it never bothered me. I just liked doing my work. I was going to go to University and become a doctor or a lawyer, I could not make my mind up. Anyhow my parents never let me go out to parties and the like. You see Teddy I had a promising future, that was until they let me go out and celebrate my A level results. That’s when I met him. Ben. He was tall with broad shoulders and ever so good looking. He breezed into the party and everyone noticed him. I mean everyone Teddy. He was laughing and drinking beer straight out of the bottle and you know what Teddy. Out of all the girls in the party he came over to me. Anyhow Teddy that was it. I was in love. No no no Teddy Im not with Ben now. He never even made me a birthday card for my 21st birthday. That’s when it all went wrong. You see teddy. I woke up in the squat on my 21st birthday Ben was still asleep and I wandered over and looked out of the window. It was a drizzly day and something inside me made me think of home, of the mountains. I had not been home since well two weeks after the party. Mam said “If you go with him you life is over. Don’t think you can just waltz back in here when things go wrong”. “your not pregnant?” my dad had asked. They just did not understand I was in love and Ben was the most exciting thing that had happened in my life and if I did not go with him to London I may never see him again. So he woke up and after I hinted about my birthday he gave me a piece of lined A4 paper folded in half with the words HAPPY BIRTHDAY on the front and inside “Love Ben” and that was it. I knew we had no money, but he never even drew on the card. And he can draw Teddy He draws really well. He could have been an artist, that is why we went to London to become an artist. So I looked over at him Teddy and he was with his buddy in the corner. Skinning up. That’s what they call it when they do drugs. No Teddy he did not do drugs when I left to go to London with him. Well he did smoke the wacky bakky but that was all. No no Teddy I never did drugs. Well I did try a joint once but it made me ill so I never bothered again. So I looked at the homemade card and over at Ben. His shoulders were no longer broad, his hair was now long and greasy. People no longer noticed him when he walked into a room. And he never drew anymore, not even on my birthday card. All he thought about was drugs. I made the decision there and then. I was going home. Mam and dad would welcome me back and it was my birthday. I would be the prodigal son, well daughter in my case and we will all weep and hug and everything will be ok. So Teddy I grabbed my old school rucksack. The same rucksack that had carried my books to school and also carried the few bits I brought with me from home almost four years ago. I grabbed my knickers. Three clean pairs two wet pairs drying by the window and the pair I had on. I always had to have a clean pair of knickers for each day of the week. Hold on, bugger even a pair of my knickers had gone missing. Just like everything else. Anything I had went. First it was my walkman and then my necklace and each time Teddy he swore it was not him that had taken them. So I put my other pair of jeans and my two other t-shirts into my bag. My toiletries. One toothbrush and slither of soap and brushed my hair with my old brush that had seen better days. He could have shoplifted me a new brush for my birthday. He had shoplifted me some knickers when I told him I really needed some. Ok so they were bridget jones type knickers but he got me them. He could have shoplifted me some knickers for my birthday, some nice silky ones with lace and bows on. No he could not even be bothered to draw on my home made card. So Teddy I looked over to where he was and put my jacket on and walked out. Yes Teddy that was everything I owned in the whole world. I had worked Teddy. I had gotten jobs, but when you live in squats its not easy to get a good job. I worked in hotels and bars. I got a good job once but Ben just took all my money and then he would tell me not to go to work. I loved him Teddy I believed in him back then. He was going to be a great artist. I don’t know when it all changed but it had. It was cold and drizzly and I had no money so I walked out of London. I hitched a lift to the services on the M1 and there I met a really nice Lorry driver who took me up to Manchester. Yes Teddy I knew it was dangerous to hitch hike but I had done it before. Ben used to send me into the truck stops and I would go around asking for a lift and when they came out I would say that there were two of us. They were never happy when Ben would appear, but I used to get us lifts. On the way to Manchester I told the driver all about Ben and how it was my birthday and how my parents would be so happy to see me. I suspected they would have a present for me even though I had not seen them in almost four years. I did phone home sometimes but not for about a year. Its not that I did not want to phone home Teddy but I could buy a cup of tea for the price of a phone call and well, I don’t have to say it do I teddy. The lorry driver bought me dinner in a café. He said he would be heartbroken if his daughter left home like I had but he would be delighted if she came home again. So you see Teddy I really thought everything would be ok. I would go home, they would hug me give me my presents and maybe have a cake for me and then I would live with them and they would look after me. How did I get home from Manchester? The Lorry driver found someone going to Chester, well Chester is almost home. It was a small van and the bloke was really old but nice. He went out of his way but as he said he was not paying for the petrol and took me all the way home. Well to the end of our street. I kissed him when he stopped the van. I was so happy. I just knew everything was going to be ok. No teddy just a thank you peck on the cheek. He was a nice man. So there I was walking down our street to our house. No teddy its not a big posh house, It’s a small three bedroom semi. Mam works at the local co-op and dad works at the foundry. No just because I was clever does not mean that we were posh. So I walked up and knocked at the door. Dad answered it. It took him a few seconds to realise who I was. Well it was just starting to get dark. No Teddy it did not work out exactly how I expected it. Mam was in the kitchen washing up. She stood in the kitchen doorway drying her hands on her pinnie. ”So you have come for a visit. You remember where your parents are then do you?” “I’ve come home mam,” I said with tears in my eyes. “I told you when you left with that yob not to come crying back here, and I meant it” She went back to the dishes. Dad said I would have to sleep on the sofa as my room had been rented out to a lodger. A lodger! I could not believe it. Dad told me he had been made redundant from the foundry and as he was old he couldn't get any work. Mam still worked in the co-op but they were finding it hard to make ends meet. My little brother was still living at home. He was in Uni studying engineering. In his second year. Doing very well. He biked the eight miles into uni every day. He worked two jobs at the weekend. Teddy, I just did not know that they were having problems. Anyhow I stayed four days on the sofa. I think they were happy to see me but they had problems. Mam was having problems with varicous veins on top of it all and was having to work less hours. My brother Gareth was talking of quitting Uni to get a job, but mam and dad would not hear of it. It was lovely to linger in a bath and eat real food. Mam gave me some clothes. They were very mam like but clean and respectable. I had been in the city looking for somewhere to live and work and met up with Carla. She had been in the same year as me at school. She was two years older of course. She now had her own place and ran her own company. She offered me her spare room and a job. I jumped at it. I was finding being at home very claustrophobic. So you see Teddy I moved in with Carla. She was ok. A bit of a snob really, she had this cleaning business. She supplied cleaners for offices and factories and did an up market home cleaning service to. So there I was living in my bosses spare box room. Cleaning offices and factories 12 hours a day. I was not happy. Yes Teddy I am at Uni now. It was Gareth that sorted that out. To be honest our Gareth has been a real star. Well I was always nice to him when he was a kid. Well when I say nice, I never hit him or did anything mean to him. Well not much anyway. So he turns up at Carlas one time. I made sure I kept in touch with mam and dad now. You see Teddy they were not exactly pleased to see me but they are my family. And I think they were just scared of me disappearing again. Gareth said mam cried for weeks after I left. So Gareth said that I would get full funding to go to Uni. And that I would qualify for all the grants etc as my grades were so good. He said I could get accommodation at Uni and that if I worked part time I should be ok. So I went along and had a look at the courses. They did not offer medicine or law and if I am honest I no longer had the passion and drive. So I chose IT. Yes me doing high tech stuff. I had never been on a computer before moving in with Carla. She had shown me how she used the computer for keep track of work and things like that and she had shown me how to surf the web and do simple things like use Word. Yes Teddy, Carla was ok I suppose, it was just the way she would keep referring to how I had “wasted my time”. I did not need her telling me that. I am in my final year now and I am doing really well. No I don’t live in student accommodation now. I live at home with mam and dad. I stayed in student accommodation for the first year. Gareth was doing his final year. Carla was a good friend she gave me work around my studies. She still does. I work really hard Teddy. That’s why I don’t have a social life. I get picked up at five thirty in the morning and clean offices until 8.30 I then go to Uni. Most nights I work from 7.30 to 10.30 cleaning again. The weekends I work in the co-op. I think that is why I like Jaze. Jaze that’s his name I knew I knew it. That’s much better than paki. Yes Teddy I am better than that. Yes I know lots of difference races and backgrounds now. I work with a few Polish and there is a real mix at Uni. I was just being mean when I called Jaze those names. I don’t want to like him Teddy. He is not part of my plan but he does make me laugh. Oh how did I get back home. Well when Gareth graduated my parents were so proud. I have never seen them so happy. I was even invited to his graduation. It was after that. He had been offered a really good job but it meant leaving home. So his room was free and they offered it to me and I would have to pay towards my keep. Oh Teddy I was so happy. I had been visiting them every other week and we had been getting on well but Teddy to live with them again, to see them everyday. To try to make it up to them for all I had put them through. I have been there now almost two years Teddy. You see I am in the final run up to the end of my degree. My finals start in six weeks. It funny but I get on so well with my mam now. I think working with her in the shop has proved that I am not a waste of space. She cant get her head around my laptop and my IT stuff. She keeps saying I should have gone into nursing. I ask you Teddy me a nurse. I don’t think so. The summer after I moved back home dad got work in the local garage. This meant the they could manage without the lodger. As soon as he was gone the house was much better. No, the lodger was an ok bloke, but he was not family and it always felt like there was a stranger in the house. What will my parents say when they see you Teddy. I have no idea. What will they say when I tell them the local lad from the corner shop next to Uni gave it to me? What will they say when I tell them that I think I am falling for him? No Teddy I cant fall for him. He is not part of my plan. Anyhow that girl in the sari the one with the big eyes, I bet that’s his wife. They have arranged marriages Teddy. He does make me smile though, even laugh sometimes and I don’t laugh very often. Ben used to say I thought too much. At first he used to tell me it was sexy, the way I used to frown and always look serious. “like a frightened rabbit” he used to say. After it all changed though he would tell me I was a miserable bitch. No Teddy I never heard from him. Not once. Jaze says I have laughing eyes. He says I may be a quiet serious student but he says I have laughing eyes. It’s him that makes them laugh. Well Teddy maybe I will ask him if he would like to go to the pictures as he is always talking about films. Maybe, once I have graduated that is.

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