Introducing Sainsbury aged six and a half

My name is Sainsburys Carpark Merthyr Tydfil Jones. My mummy said that If Posh and Becks can call their kid Brooklyn then I should be called after where I was conusm.. conser.. consie... made.

I live with my Uncle who looks after me as my mummy is busy looking after the Queen. She is staying at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. My daddy is an astronaut and is at the moment travelling to Saturn. He will return when I am nine and a half. It’s true my mummy said so when I went to the palace at Holloway to visit her. We did not see the queen as she was busy.

I have a little sister called Majorca Holiday Jones. She is two and she lives with her daddy. He is Spanish and sometimes comes to visit. I also have a big sister, her name is Tivoli Ballroom Jones. She is fifteen and a half and lives in a special home for talented girls. Her daddy is not an astronaut like my daddy, mummy says he is a bastard. I am not sure what sort of work that is. Some times Tivoli misses me so much that she runs away from her special home and comes to visit me and Uncle.

I am six and a half years old. I used to go to school. It was a very special school cos it was approved but they were just not good enough for me so my Uncle now tutors me at home. I am very special you see and I need all the attention

I have my satchel with my dot to dot book, my pencils and my colouring in book. Im not allowed felt tip pens until I am seven. I also love magic painting books and cut out dolly books.

I wear school uniform most of the time as my Uncle says that I am always learning. I have nice knee length, very, very white socks that I never get dirty and nice shiny shoes with a little buckle on. At Christmas Uncle helped me put bells on my shoes and I made lovely jingle noise all the time. I have a pretty pleated skirt and a white blouse with my tie and a v-neck jumper to keep me warm.

I sometimes have ribbons in my hair and sometimes I have plaits. I always look pretty. I am pretty cos my Uncles says so and I don’t care what that naughty boy said about my navy blue knickers being ugly. He should not have been looking up my skirt with that mirror.

I eat very good. I don’t just eat chocolate and crisps like some kids. Uncle says I have a sophisticated pallet, I like fish with popping candy and salad with caterpillars.

I am head girl in school and I have a pink head girl badge. It don’t matter that I am the only one in my school. It means I am head girl of all schools. My Uncle says so, so there.

I have lots of friends. They all like me and if they want to be in my gang they have to be good. If they are not good then I duff them up.

I am the prettiest and the most intelligent and the most goodest of all school girls.